excitable boy

26 05 2010

It’s a decrepit attitude, henceforth ever in decline with every passing day but it’s mine, owned and distributed by me. Molded and formed, I pass some of the credit to others. Never more the resilient child that I was, the child that could be brought back to the former shape by those close to me. I now wobble and steer a crooked path through life. Still hoping to hit in the general proximity of the objective I once saw as easily achievable. No the false sense of security replaced by a vanishing vantage point of life’s successes, a Warren Zevon parable of loss, truth and love. Self pity no, altruistic hardly an observation mostly. It’s an endurance test, a race, in life things come up short, people are pliable but not indestructible and fail to regain their resiliency with the constant battering, an inherent flaw or modest effort in gaining grace or losing faith.

 “Carmelita hold me tight I think I’m sinking down”  I can appreciate a line so prolific considering the source, I raise my glass to you Mr. Zevon  as those sounds emit from my speakers as the bourbon soaks into my porous soul. You can seek refuge but can you ever truly escape the storm, when the storm is all you’ve ever known….hope says yes and in the moment that maybe enough.

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in the vacuum of confidence

12 01 2010

Either I have the confidence of Michael Jordan and Brad Pitt combined or I lack the intelligence to know better.

My impatience makes me lazy but it also makes me the hardest worker. I have aspired to greatness thousands of times and so many times have come short of grasping that brass ring at the top of the rung. Maybe it’s just me but my gut and watchful lethargy tells me I’m not alone. I’m like that interesting homeless guy, just not homeless….yet.  I love the “experience” in it all and that is irreplaceable but being the embodiment of confidence has its draw backs. Confidence is not a renewable resource contrary to popular science it is moreover like a fat cell expanding and shrinking over the course of its life on your ass but the numbers never change. I only realized this after the majority of my confidence had been eaten by others and then the other not so positive traits rushed in to work in a frenzied catalyst to attach themselves to the dying cell to mask its true identity. So now in my life of second place achievements and Wal-mart door prizes I still aspire to greatness. The dribble sauce of confidence is such that it needs to be accomplished in short order….hence my very impatient disposition on life. I’ll give you all the depth you need until the next time you dive in and hit bottom, I’ll give you the quickest 40 in 20, wager a bet on me you might win back your losses. No I need to make it quick because I can only fool my false sense of ability for so long until I realize I am too far away from the safety and security of the front porch. I can usurp a nation on one leg but this trick is old, remember observation, the only difference I have a conscience, the flaw thing.

 So here I sit hedging my bets that the smoldering ember formally known as the emblazed tower of confidence will somehow pull me through in the end of days a Warren Zevon protégé sort of speak. Is that truly an over inflated ego or the ignorant wishes, the slow fade of some past memory that won’t go away.